i wish for these things sometimes… there is someone out there, wanting what i just expressed. he is calling my phone. texting me. sending pictures and e-mails. getting letters and packages in the mail. in constant contact. i can feel it when he laughs at one of my lame jokes over text messages. i can feel it when he sighs when i send him pictures of random things that remind me of him. i can feel the comfort he has in his voice when he knows i am home safe and sound. this street goes both ways. our bi-costal relationship that seems to work in uncanny ways. we know eachothers secrets, favorites, dislikes, and scheduals. he is unique and caring. strong and geeky. smart and naturally funny. and when we see eachother… all the feelings of seeing him for the first time comes back, and the comfort in his familar face makes it as so we had never left eachothers sights and arms. we watch eachothers movements so we can memorize the moment and replay it in our heads whenever we miss eachother. the scent of his cologne and my perfume blend together. the air never smelled so sweet.
when we are together, the bed is never made. the kettle is always on. no shoes or shirts. we devour books, magazines, and news papers. soaking it all up. bored games go unfinished because neither of us want the other to loose. our phones lay dormant and on silent. we order in. we restlessly move from the couch to the floor to the bed to the terrace. always touching. our favorite songs on a playlist in a constant loop. we start movies and t.v. programs but they always end up paused or stopped because our patience for eachothers taste in them is far too short. and when it’s time for one of us to leave, we never really do. part of eachother always lingers behind waiting for a return so that we can be whole again.
you made me so mad. mad at you. mad at myself. mad because i didn’t tell you everything. mad because i wasn’t completly honest. mad because i sat there and just let you talk.
so i ran. i kept on running. running to clear my mind. running out of anger and frustration. running so i wouldn’t cry. running so i wouldn’t scream. running until it hurt my legs and my lungs. i don’t think i ever ran so much in my life.
now i am going to sleep. sleeping to forget. sleeping to relax. sleeping because i can’t run.