Hiding in the corner of the Mesa cafeteria. Writing and waiting. #hiding #mesacollege #writing #waiting
It made me feel two things, anger and regret.
I was angry because she posts all these things on how to treat other people nicely and with respect no matter what shape or color they are, but yet she treats me horribly. Calling me fat every chance she gets. Making fun of my hair when it was red. But then she goes and dyes her hair red and post things about how beautiful you are no matter how fat or skinny you are. It made me so angry. I just want to do something extreme to show her that is she wrong. She should take her own damn advice. All I ever do is constantly apologize. I don’t even know the reason why I keep on saying sorry to her. It is her turn to make amends. I’ve tried too many time. I want and wish us to be closer. I want her to be an aunt to my kids, a bridesmaid at my wedding, and be there for each other, especially when we get old and our parents pass away (Which I hope won’t be for a very very very long time from now.) I don’t know what else to do or say. I am just all different kinds of angry.
It also made me regret how I treated her when we were kids. But I was the older sister, of course I didn’t want my baby sister following me around. But why should I have to be sorry for being an ignorant child? Now that I am an adult, I see things differently. My sister didn’t talk until after she was 2 years old. We used to be so close that I would tell what she wanted to my parents. She would only talk to me. I wish I could get that back, but it will never be the same. That is something that I am going to have to live with for the rest of my life, which I regret. I wish we could’ve done things differently. She always seemed like the favorite to me, like my mom liked her more because she was the baby like my mom was and that Nikki looked like her mom (my Grandma Arrain) more so that made her feel like she was more her kid than I was. I regret feeling that way, but I don’t know how else to feel.
I guess things will never be good or the same again. It just makes me sad because we are the only siblings we have. It’s me and her. No one else. I guess that is why I have so many amazing close friends that I feel are like my siblings. It’s that way because I don’t have a relationship with her. All else I can say it that when I have kids things will be different. I am going to make sure of it.
I am finally comfortable with letting people read an expert from it. If you want to read it, message me. I’d really love some feed back.